November 4, 2009
8:50 p.m.
I feel stuck. I keep so many things inside that I honestly to God feel like I am overflowing with emotions right now. It’s like I have filled every fucking inch of me with secrets and feelings that they are starting to leak through. It’s a big, unexpected wave. It’s like catching your breath. It’s that point where you trip and you find yourself free-falling to the ground and you know it’s going to hurt. It’s just so… all at once. I feel like there’s no time to think or time to hold it all in for a coupe of more minutes. It’s just flowing out and there’s not one goddamn thing I can do about it; except feel. All the hurt, secrets, past, bad stuff… All the things I don’t want to feel or remember or think about come rushing at me. They go through me so quickly, I can’t even think straight. There’s just too much but apart of me is trying so hard not to feel anything at all; wanting so badly to fight back. It’s tiring and draining. I want to feel something other than this, anything at all. The only thing I can think of that isn’t self-destructive is to write and listen to music. It’s distracting and helps to an extent. But it’s not satisfying enough. What happens once I stop writing? What happens once the music stops playing?